Captives of worry

Last night I lay awake in bed for over three hours, wide awake. And honestly, the mental picture I had of what was going on, was my entire mind being covered in sticky glue which was "worry", the main worry being something happening to Stella. I could not think straight and I could not even think or sort through my worries, or offer myself wisdom or consolation or reality. My mind was literally stuck on these worries, leaving me paralized with adrenaline keeping me awake hearing every single sound, running in and checking on my baby several times. Maybe these are things that subconsciously run through my mind during the day and are only affecting me at night because I'm too tired, too busy, or the day is too hectic for me to have a moment to my own thoughts.

This being the third night in a row where I have been wide awake, I asked myself, "what is wrong with me?" I realized last night that I worry because these things are out of my control. I feel like I need to do whatever possible to control the situation as best I can. But worrying has gained me no progress and less control, because I am now being controlled by fear. I need to let the One in control, take control. I came accross this article today by Rich Mullins (one of my favorites):

The Sound and The Worry
by Rich Mullins
Release Magazine July/August 1995

We are surrounded by - we are dependent on (and weirdly, quite even indebted to) a hundred million things that are just beyond our reach and completely beyond our control. Things like favorable weather; the honesty and good intentions of those people among and with whom we live, work and play; balanced budgets; tomorrow and tomorrow in its creeping, petty pace; our next paycheck; dependable machinery; our next breath.

A hundred million things. All of them are just as real as they are invisible, just as available as they are necessary, just as likely to fall on the just as on the unjust, as apt to shine on those who worry as on those who hope. (The difference being that those who worry are less able to enjoy things than those who hope.) But for all of us, we are surrounded by things we cannot predict, control, possess or avoid - things that press us and compete for control - a competition that must be decidedly won by "faith" or we will be lost.

It is easy in the frantic, task-driver "day-to-day" for us to lose our "centers" - our souls - our sense of who we are and what is really important. We are haunted by the ghosts of the "what if's" who live in the shadows of the "if only's." They accuse us, torment us, tempt us to abandon the freedom we have in Christ.

But, if we still ourselves, if we let Him calm us, focus us, equip us for the day, He will remind us of our Father's prodigal generosity and about the pitiful weakness of greedy men. He will remind us (as He reminded the devil) that "Man does not live by bread alone," though He may call us (as He called His first disciples) to give bread to the hungry (presumably because man cannot live long without bread). He will remind us about the cares that burden common people, the illusions that blind those the world calls "lucky," and the crippling effects of worry. Then He will give us hope- hope that stretches us (where worry bent us) and faith - faith that sustains us (where greed smothered us) and love - love that is at the bottom of our deepest desires, the loss of which is at the root of all our fears.

The other night I dreamt that I was stuck in an airport terminal - another canceled flight; another long, anxious wait. The place was packed with stranded passengers and misplaced luggage, and I sank into a chair by the phone booths, waiting for the oxygen masks to drop out of the ceilings (it was a dream, remember). Suddenly, I noticed this distressed man, sobbing, pulling his hair out by the handfuls, and so I leaned over to ask him what was the matter and if I could help. "What's wrong, sir?" I asked. He grabbed yet another handful of his hair and sobbed, "I'm afraid I'm going bald!" And so it goes. We are surrounded by a million possibilities, all of which remind us that we are not the "captains of our own fates." As we face these possibilities, let's remember who our captain is. Let us not be made captives of worry.

And... we have a thumb-sucker!

24 years young

I just turned 24 yesterday. Some days I still feel 18, and others I feel thirty. To others I still look 16.

In my mind I percieve myself to be much older than I look. I've somehow been "blessed" with looking younger. It is a reality check to be walking around a mall pushing my baby and get sideways glances from those more "seasoned". Sometimes my defenses go up and I make my ring more visible. But then people just think I'm engaged because I have a baby when really I'm married but I still can't, for the life of me, fit my wedding band on my finger. So instead, many times I push my defenses aside, smile and move on knowing that one day when I'm forty, I'll look thirty and won't need anti-wrinkle cream or botox or have a complex.

My first birthday as a mother was probably better than my first birthday pregnant (neither Matt nor I can remember what we did last year for my birthday). We drove to Duluth and went shopping and went out to eat. On the way there, Matt gave me a card which enclosed coupons for a full body massage, champaigne candles and dinner, and a professional massage.

I also got this:

which smells so delicious I can't even explain.

When we got home, we put Stella to bed then Matt handed me a paper bag full of stuff and told me to go over to the cabin where he had a surprise waiting for me. When I got there I was so disappointed that I didn't bring my camera because it was so beautiful. The cabin was completely dark, with candles leading to the bathroom where he had a bubble bath ready for me in the big tub. There were candles surrounding the tub (24 in the bathroom), a glass of wine next to the tub with a towel, my book, and my homemade soap. In the paper bag were comfy clothes to change into after my bath. It was so wonderful. He really does love me.

Room to wiggle

Stella's first and second night sleeping in her crib were successes. While she used to love the embrace that the Moses basket created for her, she now prefers to sprawl out. She looks so tiny in her big crib but the timing was great. She sleeps an hour or two longer than she did in our room and I sleep much better. I know so many people put their baby in the crib from day one so this may not seem like such an accomplishment, but I wanted her in our room for 2-3 months to prevent SIDS and we even went a couple weeks over. So after all these nights of being able to peek over at her without even getting out of bed, it's a little sad to think that my tiny baby has her own room to herself. Here are some pictures from the first morning waking up in her crib bedhead and all:

time away from home

Stella and I have been spending some time with my mom for the week. I haven't gotten to spend much time with her since having Stella as the winter weather has kept us quite isolated and the four hour trip seemed a little too much to handle. We came down last Thursday, and plan on leaving tomorrow if the roads are decent after this "snowstorm" but wow, time really flew. We got to spend time with people I haven't seen in so long, people that hadn't yet met my little Stella. I also got a little taste of taking care of a child without the help of my husband (although my mom has certainly helped) and to be honest, (despite the fact that I miss Matt a WHOLE lot), it hasn't been too difficult.

Here she is desperately trying to roll over:


I think about parents of twins and I sometimes think it would be near impossible taking care of two little ones at the same time, but after this week I realize that you just "do what you gotta do" and don't think about it so much. I'm also growing more and more in love with my little girl. She is changing so much, teaching me so much, makes my heart so happy. How can it be possible that I will love her more tomorrow? I will, though.

I had to take our chocolate lab Reggie to the vet yesterday. Poor guy had an infected toe and may have to get it amputated. He's getting so old. He is 11 now, and yesterday the vet gave him a year to a year and a half left to live. His bark sounds a bit raspy and that means his throat is slowly closing. I do not know what I would do without my favorite dog in the world. It's easy to imagine that he will just be around forever, because he has been around forever.


Please say some prayers for our little family as we might have some significant changes soon. That's all I can say right now, though. Here are some fun pictures I took this week:

Oliver and Reggie

Stella with Grandma:

my boopies has a boyfriend

Stella and Dresden

Not too impressed at first

Then she thought he was kind of funny

Then he went in for the kiss
Just hanging out

Cuddling

"Hey baby"

Love day and 3 months old today!

Stella is three months old today, I can't believe it. She's changed so much and her personality is really coming through. We have such a happy happy baby for the most part. She's been giggling so much and become really aware of what's going on around her. I'm getting sad that she's growing so fast, but she is so much fun!

For Valentine's day, Matt let me sleep in while he took care of Stella until 10:30! It felt so good to sleep in knowing that Stella was taken care of. Then when I woke up, he had breakfast ready for me: eggs and bacon and toast. He had the house cleaned and was wearing the moby wrap. It was so cute. During my breakfast someone came and delivered flowers for me from Matt- daisies because he always calls me his daisy. After that we opened gifts from eachother and he got me real Uggs! I'm so excited! I've waited so long to have my own real ones, I've always just worn the cheapos but I was so surprised and excited! I got him some Burberry Touch cologne and Godiva, but I secretly got the cologne for my own benefit. He smells sooo good today.

Stella got a lamb for Valentine's Day. When I was little I had lambs in my bedroom and I wanted her to have the same. It's been so hard to find cute lambs though, and the one I got is ridiculously cute. I'll put pictures of up later.

Tinner got some toy mice. =)

After gifts we went out to a coffee shop in Moose Lake that we've never been to before. It was such a great atmosphere, and I can't wait to take Stella there during the days when we just need to get out. They have a huge leather couch and a glider. There is also a little store attached with craftsy things, photography, books and antiques. Not to mention it's super inexpensive coffee. Matt got an americano and I got a breve and the total was $2.15!

We then picked up some snacks. We plan on renting a Pay Per View and making our own pizza tonight and drinking some good wine. It's been such a great day sofar, and I'm looking forward to a relaxing night. I didn't have many expectations for a good Valentines Day since we have a baby, and no babysitter, but it has been such a great day for our little family.